I Could Go Back (But Don't Think I Want To)

So, I am pretty much a little obsessed with Broadway musicals. And, I sing constantly. Trust me, live with me for a few months, and one day you'll find yourself singing about how you need to take the trash out. Drew, Courtney, and Erica are proof positive of this. (Drew, sorry for calling you out). Whenever I see a musical I often YouTube search my favorite performers, which is how I came across the song "I Could Go Back." It's  a song that was cut from a  musical called "The Burnt Part Boys," which is about several teenage boys whose fathers were killed in a coal mining accident. Today, I am sharing the results of my nerdy compulsive behavior, here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5z4rPKevNak

Several times recently, I find myself humming the tune or running the lyrics through my mind:

Is There Any Chance That I Can Go Back? That I could go back?  And yell before this couch, before this haze. I'd like to think that I could go back. I'd like to blink this decade away. I don't care if the town is talking. I don't care if the money's out. It hurts my mind when I'm recalling, what this love is all about.

 Is there any chance that I can go back? I could go back.  I could smile before this mess, before this maze. I'd like to steal a part of me back. I'd like to feel I have something to say. I don't care if the sky is falling. I don't care if the cradle breaks. Everyday I'm getting older. Everyday means more mistakes. Ask the ghost, ask the television set, ask your heart what hurts the most. How do I stand still, and still move on? How do I go, back to that? How do I feel, beautiful again?

And I don't care if it takes til' morning, Spending time I'll soon forget.  Every year, our friends get older. Every year, it's more regrets. Is there any chance that I can go back? I'd like to go back. I'd like to breathe before this couch, Before this...cage. I'd like to keep the pieces intact, I'd like to sleep, and not fade away. I'd like to sleep, and not fade away."

And, here's the thing, after feeling bad for myself, wishing I could go back in time a few months or even years, and throwing myself a royal pity party  I am not sure I want to go back. First off, let me clarify, if there was a magic wand that would allow us to make mom not have cancer, or that would allow dad to walk, I'd pay every penny I had for it. However, I would not want to go back to who I was--- worrying whether or not such and such liked me, fretting over wedding planning, gaining 5 pounds, clothes, stressing out about work, money, etc. Life is too short. I mean, looking back I annoy myself!

It may sound contrived, but these past few weeks have changed me. For real style.  God has served up a heaping dose of perspective. I am incredibly blessed and incredibly lucky. My prayer is that once things get back to "normal" (or our new normal, whatever that will look like), that I can live life with an attitude of gratefulness and remembering to not take friends and family for granted. Heck, remembering not to take my ability to shower and dress myself for granted!

Now, if down the road you hear me over-analyzing a situation, i.e. "Well what did it MEAN when person X said this...should I be worried about it, what can I do to fix it." Call my hiney out please!!!!!



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